I never given up on a game before. But tonight, at bowling, I found that I (subconsciously) threw the game because I felt that my team did not deserve to win. I walked up with my bowling ball with a chance to win the game... quite easily in fact. However, something held me back. Needless to say, we were swept tonight (by the OBB, an acronym for Old Bagga Bones).

While I have stunk it up in bowling (162 average, 27 pins below my normal average), I have been on fire with the bat. I think a lot of my frustration from bowling has carried over to the softball field. I find that I am more focused, angry and vicious, to a point that I wouldn't want to play against myself. Case and point... when it's my turn to hit, I go up looking to hit it at someone (hard), which is usually what you try to avoid doing to be successful.

Last week, I wrote about feeling "out of it," and being stuck in a routine. While nothing has really changed, my mood has. Never one to sit around and wait for something to fall on my lap, I am finding the only way to "break out of these chains" is to violently yank. Something's gotta give...

Friends have asked what it is that I am striving for. Honestly, I'm not sure. Maybe, it's the struggle and the "search" that intrigues me. Mid-life crisis perhaps...? Or maybe I'm just going crazy... Or maybe I just need to find a hobby that I can get totally engrossed in.

There comes a time in our lives when we simply have to "hang it up." I fear I have reached these so called "crossroads." Use to be that I succeeded in pretty much anything I set my mind on. While I base this statement mostly on competitive sports (since it is sports that trigger this post), I find that it relates to other areas of my life. The once spontaneous and reckless boy has left. I wouldn't say for good. But I don't see him, and needless to say, I miss him and wish that he come back. All that is left is a guy who, for lack of a better word, is "calculating" to a fault. These days I find that my decision making is geared towards results. And while that is ideal for someone my age, there are times when I welcome the mystery and uncertain nature of what the future has in store. I've heard someone say before, "Without chaos, there wouldn't be happy accidents..." Not that I thrive in a chaotic environment, but there is an excitement with anticipating "something" happening, and yet, not knowing what that "something" is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I've come to "expect" in most facets of my life. What I miss, if you understand what I am saying, is to not anticipate, to not have everything laid out for me, and to just muddle through the unexpected.

MYSTERY vs ROUTINE... One is bland and boring. The other, irresistable and enticing.

My friend, Chef David, will be leaving to L.A. on Monday for a business venture, and in a way, a new life. While it is always sad to see friends move away, in David's case, I am happy for him as I think he is willing to explore the unknown in search of whatever it is he wants: happiness, financial wealth, etc. Regardless, he will be missed.

Softball this week: I went 3 for 5, with 3 RBI's, 2 Runs, and a Triple. We fell behind early due to poor pitching (9+ walks), we were able to tie the game up at 15. However, at the end, we ran out of steam and lost 26-19. I had a great time though as I felt that I got the team fired up while it would of been easy for them to fold up the tent and go home.

Friend of the week: Chef David. He's leaving, and yet, he still cooked a wonderful Rib's and Chicken dinner for all of us. Personally, I thought the BBQ was better than Big Nate's on Folsom and 12th.

What's playing in the car: Ying Yang Twins (w/ Mike Jones and Mr. Collipark), "Badd." Bow Wow's "Like You"

Song to take the hammer to the radio: The high energy remake of Steve Winwood's "Valerie." Straight up repetitive and annoying as hell.

Munch spot: Harry's Bar (on Fillmore, between Pine and California). I had a Spicy Kobe Beef Hamburger w/ Caesar Salad. Yummy food, pretty waitresses, good experience.

While flipping through channels, I got a blast from the past as the show featured some DJ mixing some old tunes. What made it so hilarious was that he was playing 3rd Bass (more often recognized as the two white guys who sang "Pop Goes the Weasel"). While their notoriety never climaxed to such peaks as Vanilla Ice (the other white rapper), I thought that they were just as silly and weak. Now that I reminisce back to junior high, I do recall that these guys were lame to me even back then. One of the guys in 3rd Bass is a heavy-set (overweight), thick-rimmed glass wearing dancer who just didn't look right dancing (maybe because he was funny looking and chunky). The other guy wore his double-breasted gangster suit, always had a cigar in his mouth, and thought he was a badass. In this particular video, they were in the front seat of a convertible and had a "posse" of four black guys in the back bobbing their heads to their rap. Just didn't work for me...

Here are the list of so-called today's artists that I think are phony:

1. Justin Timberlake - This guy is weak period. Can't stand him in his interviews. Everything he does is considered, "mixing hip-hop with R&B." I'm not even sure he knows what that means, and is just saying it cause he thinks it sounds cool and black.

2. Eminem - Silly, just plain silly. People say he is a good lyricist. Personally, I can't understand half the things he is saying. The stuff I do understand are more comical and impertinent. He seems to still have a big following (a lot of that I attribute to him latching onto Dre and Snoop), but I wonder what people will think of him 5 to 10 years down the line.

Got out of work early! Power outtage at 3:30 p.m., I was out by 4:10 p.m.

My latest goings on...

Softball Report... got a new bat, (Miken Freak). Unfortunately, like a new glove, it needs to be broken in. Found out the ugly way during the game when I couldn't get the ball out of the infield. Game stats: 2-4, Double, 2 RBIs, 2 runs. We lost 23-12.

Mahjong Report... Made a killing. Won $58. I haven't played in 9 months, but I found that I haven't lost the touch. What made it worst was that I told the players before we even started that I was going to devastate them. My exact words were, "Lives will be changed... Fortunes will be won and lost..."

Friend of the week... Frank. He was one of the victims in the Mahjong Mayhem. However, he still offered to go to Crate and Barrel with me on Sunday to pick up a coffee table (wedding gift for my friend, David) despite being tired from the endless hours of fiending.

What my car spewed out in the morning... Amanda Marshall's "Birmingham" and "Fall From Grace." I enjoy waking up to these songs.

Station changer... the "Listen To Your Heart" remake. Nothing original about that song. Just like Jessica's version of "Take My Breath Away."